Queer Catechism (Version X)
How did you learn to masturbate?
One day in the shower, a stream of water hit my penis just so.
How do you masturbate?
Sitting, standing, or lying down; fantasizing, reading stories on the Internet, or watching porn videos; I grip my dick with my right hand and work my fist up and down. Sometimes I use my other hand to play with my nipples – usually the right one, the more sensitive one.
What did you fantasize about when you masturbated as an adolescent?
Even in my fantasies I was timid. Often I just watched faceless people do vague things, perhaps because participating in more explicit scenarios would have forced me to confront my latent homosexuality.
Did anyone know about your secret sex life?
Once my older brother walked in on me when I was lying on the bathroom floor with my eyes closed, my mouth open, and my penis bouncing up and down under the shower’s powerful stream. (For some reason our shower didn’t have a showerhead, so the water gushed from the shower arm in a single vigorous jet.) Thankfully, he walked out without saying a word.
Who else?
Every night I pulled my white briefs down to my thighs, masturbated, came on my stomach, pulled my underwear back up, and promptly fell asleep. (Now I can’t imagine how I could have stood the stickiness.) Every morning, still half-asleep, I jacked off and came into my briefs again. Every day our laundress washed our dirty clothes by hand.
When did you first encounter pornography?
I had always been permitted to look at my father’s Playboys whenever I wanted.
What do you remember about them?
They were all coverless.
Why?
It’s still a mystery (especially since the centerfolds were all intact).
Did the naked women excite you?
No. But I remember being fascinated by a pictorial featuring the Marquis de Sade portrayed as a laughing half-naked man brandishing a whip.
Who was the first man you were attracted to?
When I was still young enough to do this, I used to crawl into my parents’ bed early in the morning while they were still sleeping. Insinuating myself between them, I turned toward my father so I could drink in his delicious smell – I could never get enough of it.
List the boys and men you’ve desired.
In the ever-shifting order of memory with its fluctuating, gap-riddled chronology: my father, Paul, Christopher Reeve, Bernard, Maxwell Caulfield, Gabby Concepcion, Henry Thomas, Michael V, the blonde musicologist with a foreign accent sitting across me in the library as I’m writing this, haiku Ben, Andrew, Michael Y, Rüdiger, Darin, Dan, Thomas, law-school Mike, Peter, Hector, Jiri Lubov, Eugenio, Craigslist Noah, Ethan, Jeffrey, Chris O’Donnell, Brendan Fraser, school-bus Aaron, Texas Nigel, Roman, the Australian tourist, sundry wet and dripping men in the swimming classes I’ve taken, Xiao Xeng, the popcorn vendor at California Cinemas, Steve, José, my older brother, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Fabrice, Club-Universe Claude, underage Casey, Dean, Jean-Nicolas, and countless others who’ve been swallowed up – for now or forever – by forgetfulness’s inconstant waters.
How old were you when you first masturbated?
10 or 11.
When you first kissed?
24.
When you first masturbated another person?
24.
When you were first fellated?
24.
When you first performed fellatio?
25.
Cunnilingus?
Never.
Anal intercourse?
26.
Vaginal intercourse?
Not yet.
How many men have you kissed?
About 30?
How many have you masturbated?
30.
How many men have sucked your dick?
25.
How many dicks have you sucked?
10.
How many men have you fucked?
1. (In fact, I don’t really know how many men I’ve had sex with. I can only guess, and I’m probably underestimating.)
Are you a top or a bottom?
I want to be blithely, uninhibitedly versatile. But fear not only of the other’s desire but also of my own makes me both a nervous top and a half-assed bottom. When I’m topping I’m too anxious about disappointing or displeasing my lover to take my pleasure; bottoming, on the other hand, unmans me so that I’m too ashamed to surrender to pleasure.
Why does your own desire terrify you?
Have you ever had sex with a woman?
No. But I can imagine kissing a woman, fondling her breasts, or getting a blowjob. Fucking’s harder to picture. Maybe I’ll never have sex with a woman. If I did, it would probably be impelled by curiosity more than desire.
Have you ever wanted to have sex with an animal?
Once when I was petting my cousin’s dog Joyce, I noticed that he had a bit of a boner – the tip of his reddish penis was peeking out of his furry foreskin. I found myself aroused by this. I don’t know what I’d do with a dog though – it’d be disgusting to suck a dog’s dick, and I’d be scared to put my cock in a mouth with all those teeth. I don’t think a dog would put up with being fucked (nor would I want to force one), and the image of being fucked by a dog is just too ridiculous.
What sexual act have you performed most?
I’ve been masturbating almost everyday since I was ten.
How many times have you masturbated in your life?
Balancing out the days I masturbated more than once with the days I didn’t masturbate: (33-10) x 365 = 8,395 times – and still going.
How often do you have sex with a partner?
Once or twice a week.
Do you enjoy masturbating more than sex?
I’ve suspected it.
Why have sex at all?
I enjoy the hunt.
What are your favorite sex acts?
Masturbating to new porn, exchanging the first kisses with a stranger, getting blown by an eager cocksucker, tickling a lover’s engorged prostate with a finger or two or three while I pump his dick with my other hand, sucking a beautiful penis, watching the euphoric contortions – fierce masks – of my lover’s face as I fuck him, having my right nipple licked and sucked while I’m being fucked, finding a lover’s hotspots and teasing them relentlessly till his ecstasy escapes from his lips as moans, sighs, growls, hums, and purrs – a strange animal’s aphrodisiac cries, . . . (I’m looking forward to the unfamiliar pleasures my body’ll stumble into when it stumbles into you.)
What are the pleasures of kissing?
I love the inexorable movement toward the abandonment of speech, when the tangle of words gives way to the speechless twining of tongues. I love the irresistible convergence of faces magnetized by desire; the mutual penetration of lovers (there are no tops or bottoms in kissing); the proximity of nose to skin allowing each to breathe the other in. I love the distinct flavor of different lovers’ mouths; the ragged rhythms – accelerating with excitement – of mingled breaths; the feverish caresses of wandering hands, the tongue's curious tendrils. I love the dancelike engagement and disengagement of lips, the counterpoint of tongues trilling songs from different countries of memory and desire. I love this prelude to undressing, this postlude to seduction, this indefinite interlude when, neither coming nor going,we dwell contentedly in each other's open mouths.
What are the pleasures of fingerfucking?
I love the feeling of a resistant rectum slowly yielding to my pressing fingertip – and then the hot snug grip of my lover’s ass as my finger plunges in. (My desire turns to disgust, however, if I feel any shit.)
Do you avoid any sex acts?
I have no taste for rimming – I don’t like putting my nose so close to an asshole.
Do you enjoy group sex?
The idea of a delirious confusion of tangled writhing bodies is exciting, but it’s usually awkward in practice. (It’s hard enough coordinating just two bodies.)
How many threesomes have you had?
Two.
What was your biggest group-sex experience?
Five men in the same bed. (Strictly speaking it was a threesome and a couple sharing a mattress on the floor.)
How do you meet casual sex partners?
Usually by chatting or placing ads on the Internet. Once a year or so (after I’ve once again forgotten how boring it is) I go to a sex club.
How many sex clubs have you been to?
Seven.
Which ones?
The Black House (now defunct) and Eros in San Francisco, the Steamworks in Berkeley, the Water Gardens in San Jose, a bath house whose name I forget in San Diego, the West End Club in New York, and 515 Toulouse in New Orleans.
What is your taste in penises?
Big dicks make a big first impression, but shapeliness is more important than size. (An ugly big dick is still ugly.) I admit, however, that I’m crestfallen when, after undressing a new partner, I discover that his cock is too small.
What is too small?
Considerably smaller than mine.
What are the attractions of a big cock?
Its size promises extreme (if indefinite) pleasures. Dazzling the eyes, its length and girth inflame the imagination.
What makes a penis shapely?
It has a head – not too big and not too small – that is proportional to its shaft, a thickness that invites manipulation, an imperious hardness (I love those proud hardons that bump into their owners’ bellies), a smooth texture and even coloring with no suspicious bumps or splotches, a big plus for a head with a nice shine that makes you want to lick it.
Cut or uncut?
It doesn’t matter to me, as long as it’s clean and smells good.
What kind of porn do you like?
I like porn that shows real enjoyment, or at least a convincing simulacrum of it. In porn videos I always look for those scenes of fucking where the bottom is hard and his face, overcome by ecstasy, shows that he has surrendered himself to pleasure. Most porn, however, is an insult to desire, since desire (and hence enjoyment) is usually so conspicuously lacking.
How do you feel about cum?
It’s always thrilling to see it spurting out (I adore shooters), and I love the smell of it, but though the idea of swallowing semen is a turn-on, I don’t really care for its taste.
Where have you come?
In Asia, in America (including Hawaii, but not Alaska), in international airspace; I’ve come into toilets, in showers, on the red-orange soil of Bryce Canyon, on hardwood, tile, and linoleum floors, in library carrels, in the backseat of a moving car (unbeknownst to the other passengers), in sundry chairs and beds, into condoms, into the palm of my left hand, in a public park, on a bridge, on the grass shoulder of an interstate highway in Oregon, in my underwear, on Lexington Avenue in midtown Manhattan, in my lover’s boss’s office, in a confessional, in an airplane lavatory (smoking prohibited), . . . (If I knew I were going to give an account of my erotic vicissitudes one day, I would have kept a masturbation journal.)
What have you done with cum?
I’ve spread it lasciviously all over my belly. I’ve rubbed my midriff – slick with commingled cum – against a lover’s stomach. I’ve tasted my own semen after masturbating, or by kissing a lover after coming in his mouth. I’ve passed cum and spit back and forth between a partner's mouth and mine. When I was thirteen, I collected some cum in a film canister and stored it in a cool dry place – a little science experiment. After three days, I was amazed to discover that my semen had turned rust-orange!
Do you have any kinks?
I bought silicon anal beads years ago, but I still haven't used them. I like reading erotica featuring incestuous brothers (though I’m not at all attracted to any of my brothers, unless getting a little excited while roughhousing with my older brother when I was going through puberty twenty years ago counts). I once pissed all over a guy’s hair, face, and chest (he was kneeling in a bathtub). I have a sporadic fetish for foot-fetishists – now and then I get a kick out of watching someone caressing, massaging, licking, and sucking my feet. I’m both drawn to and repelled by dom-sub scenarios.
What is the attraction of being dominant?
If I were a dom, my sub would automatically want what I wanted – this congruence would allay much of my anxiety about sex.
Have you ever wanted to rape someone?
A mock rape – where I’m ravishing someone who wants to be ravished – would be titillating, but I can’t imagine deriving any pleasure from actually raping someone. Since I’m hypersensitive to the other’s no (this would explain why my biggest turn-on is seeing my partner’s turn-on), my victim’s hate would destroy all possibility of enjoyment
Do you think you’d enjoy being a sub?
I’m afraid I might.
Why do you want to be a pervert?
Ever since I became gay I’ve dreamed of becoming a hero of desire.
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